I haven’t shared my soul’s photography on social media in over 2 months.
Today I pondered that in that bathtub. The answer flowed freely. The truth was revealed to me through the river of my divinity. I have been requested to share my truth with you. What flowed is in the exact form I scribbled it into my notebook in the bathtub. No edits were needed.
1. Why me? There are so many photographers who have been doing this longer with greater skill. Are they not the ones to crown women with their divine truth?
2. I fear someone will take my life force and exploit it. I have created this ritual of witnessing and clearing the blocks around feeling your divinity from the depth of my soul. My own pain, trauma, life experiences forged me to become this woman. What if someone takes the purity of the depths of my soul and inner child? What if they exploit it and call it by another name?
3. What if copy cats emerge? What if they’re close to me? How will I handle that betrayal?
How will I share my light, while simultaneously protecting its sacred channel and purpose?
4. What if I share all of this and the wave comes? I feel it. I know it is true. I feel so many women in the field who are waiting - patiently, because we are women of divinity - for this medicine. What happens when they all find out I am merely a flawed human? Will they understand why I inevitably have to wrap myself in my cocoon as I give myself the most precious gift of time?
5. Can I claim this massive role on earth? The role of crowning women with their divinity? Can I join the ranks of the women I put on a pedestal- am I strong enough to take my place to assist in clearing the channel? 6. Am I allowed to be a human with irrational fears? Am I allowed to make mistake after mistake as I spend my free time flying and falling?
7. Will you feel cheated if the woman who facilitated the… energetic pops… portal exposing… unfolding… cleared the leaves with you in your stream of divine truth… what if that woman turns out to be a flawed & terribly human… human? Will you still love me then? or… will you crucify me? Will you devour the pieces of my heart that I openly shared with you? Only to curse my name when my light can no longer shine on you? I still walk with the trauma of being a woman who was crucified. I was crucified in this lifetime- only 4 years ago. I created a community channeling my soul’s purpose. At that time in my life, creation was channeled through movement studios. I was 24 when I opened my first gym. There was so much little Carrie didn’t know yet. I’m sorry I was so naive. I had some pieces of magic that threatened to burn a hole in me if I didn’t share them with my community. I made a lot of mistakes. Despite my naiveté, the studios grew. Our community grew. My staff grew. Locations grew. It all grew so fast- my personal evolution failed to keep up. For everything I didn’t know about running that business- I sold off a piece of my heart. In the end I was crushed to discover that I had failed to leave a piece of my heart for myself. I had sold off every last piece of my heart- and those pieces were being eaten. In the end, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I was responsible for payroll for 22 employees. Rent totaling nearly $13K/ month for 2 locations. I had a reality show come out about me exposing my deepest flaws and errors. It opened me up to national attention. I received social media proposals and social media death threats. (I was only 27 at this time) I was deeply betrayed by some of my own community. They fed from my heart to only turn their backs on me with such vitriol. They opened a competing gym - a copy cat of the heart of my studio while undercutting my prices. It fractured my community and my heart. They had/ perhaps still have/ a deep hatred for me. I often think of my crimes- what did I do that so warranted such intense hatred? My crimes were:
Feeling completely alone
Not knowing how to ask for help
Fearing no one would want to be a part of the community I had built if I showed my humanness.
Believing I could hold everyone else’s pain and sorrow while trusting no one to hold my own. To say I died inside after I left it all and closed my gyms is an understatement. As you can imagine- I tried to abandon that world & career path completely. I tried to shirk my soul’s purpose.
I looked to David Bowie and believed I could reinvent myself… but no matter how many times he reinvented himself- he still made music.
And here I am, four years later- still singing the same song I came to this earth to sing. My soul’s purpose has not quieted or allowed itself to be drown out by my fears of unworthiness. I tried to give this crown back. I didn’t want it.
What if they crucify me again? I’m merely a conduit for the divine to land here on earth. But I’m only a human. At the end of a day, I’m just a girl who wrestles with her own well of sadness. I don’t know my father. I was given away by my mother as a baby. I was raised in a deeply conservative and traditional household. I was made to be the sick child because it was easier to love me that way, my powerful self was told she was unlovable from an early age. I was repeatedly sexually abused by my primary teacher. Adults saw, yet no one protected me. I didn’t tell anyone because I was convinced I had no right to my own body, no one would believe me- I was just a misplaced child. I learned to parent myself from a young age. I am and have been my own father and mother for some time- this has allowed me to walk this earth as the divine child. I can seem so bright and shiny and radiant at times. When I embody the crown of the divine child, I magnetize women to me who are practiced in drinking the medicine of divinity. When I can’t embody this crown- I’m just a sad and abandoned 7-year-old girl who feels all alone. I fear I never learned how to give and receive love. Giving and RECEIVING love is the greatest lesson of my life. I am not practiced in it. I make mistake after mistake. Please forgive me, I’m doing the best I can. I didn’t ask for this crown. I tried to hide it for so long. I can not hide it. I see the medicine that flows through me desiring to be brought to earth- and to the women of Salt Lake City. I can not leave. I have tried. My task is here. There is an eruption, an awakening, a crack in the portal… I know I can’t give this crown back.
I know that I am here to hold women in their pain, sorrow, trauma, and fear. I know that I am here to witness your stories as they move through your body. I am here to shine the light of my own divine child on your divine child. I wake her up as your loyal, silly, joyful, expressive, imaginative, and infinitely creative playmate. I witness her as she explores her adult body. I witness her as she comes back into her vessel- to fully embody the woman she has become. I understand. I will wear this crown until my body returns to the earth. I will share this crown. I will crown you with the divine secrets of your subconscious. We will initiate them into the physical realm. Together, we will clear the leaves in your divine stream of truth. I am not alone. I am divinely connected to a vast root network of divine and wild feminine strength that has erupted underneath this dried up lake bed. The network of strength and compassion that weaves its roots through the skeletons of prehistoric birds of gigantic proportions.
I breathe in the strength and stability of our network. I will call to my sister’s when I need to be held in my humanness. I will bathe in your rivers when I need to be reborn. I will embody the crown I was born to wear. I asked for this. This is my soul’s contract. I will continue to relive this life for as many lifetimes as I refuse to wear this crown. The cycle will complete in this lifetime. I am unlocking and opening the gates. (As I write to you from the warm waters of my bathtub. The moment my head said that- the bubble popped and I saw it all. I am overwhelmed with the feeling of all of you here & in other dimensions. As the gate opened everyone rushed in to hug me. You do not need me to feed you. You are here to embrace me on this journey with you. As we both learn to embody our crown. I see now that I am simultaneously waiting at infinite gates as I wait for you to embody your crown. I am sobbing endless tears of joy and gratitude with the depth of this feeling of infinite love that we all possess.) I am not alone. This feels so wonderful to be embraced by all of you. The portal is open. I have unlocked the gates and am here to receive you. I am here to help you clear your river of divine truth. This is my gift. I am so honored beyond infinite words to be this woman in this lifetime. We have work to do. The time has come for you to embody your own crown of divinity. The water is safe and warm. Your divine truth is waiting to flow and manifest itself in this physical realm. I am here, ready to receive you with open arms.
Let it flow.
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