Search

Part 1- My confessional, from a girl who pushed everyone away who ever loved her.


This is for the fiercely independent men & women who push love away. This is for the women & men who jump from one relationship to the next because their partner wasn’t… well, perfect/ or worthy of them. This is for the human beings who believe love gets in their way. This is for the beings who walk this earth steeped in their deep abandonment wound.


This is for the children who had to learn fast how to be their own father and their own mother. This is for the ball busters of the world. This is for the humans who are so certain they won’t be taken care of, that they learned to do everything for themselves and are virtually unable to ask others for help.


This is for the women & men who can’t trust… so instead of trusting others- they are constantly giving themselves. Giving their time, their love, their support to others- instead of basking in the delight of receiving.


This is for the people who can easily come up with reasons why their partner past/ present is unworthy. They’re not silly enough, or witty enough, or they don’t shower me with affection enough, or they’re a narcissist- I’m telling ya- these are all labels of unworthiness - insert whatever judgment of the day it is.


Do you realize these are all coming from your worthiness judge? Your worthiness judge is one of the most corrosive characters that sits inside of you? This old frenemy pretends it has your best interest in mind- but in truth, this voice comes from your ego. Its intent is to keep you from ever being hurt- but in the process, it desires to push everyone away who ever loved you.


I am writing to you as a woman who didn’t know how to love. This is not how any of my friends would have ever labeled me. I come across as a very loving and generous woman. I easily give my time, creativity, love to my friends. I easily give- but it’s because I could never reach out to ask for support. I never trusted that anyone was strong enough to hold me as I cried on their shoulder- yet I am often one of the first friends called in to offer emotional support for others… we always create what we need most, but are unable to receive…


All the while, love embodied in a divinely sacred and sensual masculine package has been in my life to simply love me for over 2 years. I have broken up with him for every reason you can think of. I’ve pushed him away numerous times because he loves me too much. I tell him his love for me gets in the way of my life. I have hated how much he just wants to come over and rub my feet and love me when I’m trying to get work done. I get anxious and I instantly need to clean my house and get so frustrated with him for just wanting to slow me down- 'move out of my way’ I say, as my anxiety runs the show. All he wanted was to kiss me.


Our relationship was comprised of him showering me in kisses and I gave him the side-eye continually. I never understood why he kept coming back to love me. For every 100 kisses he has given me, I have given him 1.


For over 2 years, I couldn’t hear the voice of unworthiness that I directed at myself. It was so veiled. Instead, my voice loudly screamed at me that he was unworthy. He’s too X. He’s not enough Y. I don’t feel safe around you! I would scream at him.


Over and over after I was playing out my addiction to my abandonment wound- I would break up with him- to only then a day or so later reach out. He would take me back every time. Salving my abandonment wound. He would say he couldn’t leave me as he would tap into some higher power that told him not to leave me- that I needed his love. He would often tell me that if I wasn’t ready for the gift of his love that he’d find me in our next lifetime.


I hope this all reads as crazy to you as it sounds in my head.


So, one major piece of this story that I just can’t shake is, I’m adopted. It’s seriously aggravating to me that I’m a 32-year-old woman- and yet I still live out the wound of being given away by my mother and not wanted by my father. Like, come on, we’ve had 32 years to adjust, I don’t want to keep playing out this story of my conception and birth… but that’s the nature of those deep wounds. My nervous system was created from tears of unworthiness. I will never move beyond that until I accept the truth and find compassion for myself.


It is so aggravating to me to witness the addiction I've had to my abandonment wound in all of my relationships. I break up with them. I push them away- only to test them to see if they’re strong enough to hold on to me- to hold on to the little baby who was given away.


I recognized my addiction to breaking up with my partners a few months ago. Did I mention I’m 32… I’ve only been dating for about half my life… and to think, I once prided myself as being a fast learner...


Fast forward to my current 2-year relationship, I have tested this man well over 50 times to give him the chance to leave me… again… to prove that he’s worthy of my love. Worthy of my trust… all the while, I’m telling myself that I AM UNWORTHY OF HIS LOVE.


exhale.


So, we were in a cycle we could not shake. I share all of this because I am in service to love. And this world is in a serious love deficit. I hope that someone reading this will allow themselves to plant the little baby seed of love in their heart. I hope to liberate others from the vicious cycle of unworthiness. So here’s our ugly pattern, all in hopes that it will light the way for compassion and forgiveness for you- with a heaping dose of ugly self-awareness a la yours truly.


Exhale. I can’t believe I’m sharing this:


Our cycle. Love, love, love- I love him so much. This would last a few days… then less than a week later little thoughts would creep in. Comparison. Oh, he’s not witty enough. He’s not playful enough. He’s not financially stable enough. Basically he’s not enough. Those thoughts then move out of my head and onto my poisonous tongue. Those seeds become criticisms and jabs directed at him. When he calls me on it, I say, I’m sarcastic, or witty. It’s no big deal- I just don’t want a frat boy… I would try to push my insults as far as I could take it without starting an argument…


Within the next week or two, I’m thoroughly pushing him away. Saying things like: I just don’t understand what you bring to my life. He would often respond with love. I am here to love you. Which I would continue to say- YOUR LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH- in one way or another…


By week 2-3 I’m in work mode, or clean mode, (which is all veiled dysfunction that society labels as “highly functioning" I’m not good enough behavior). I’m seriously annoyed that he’s around trying to love on me. I’m annoyed with how slow he goes wanting to spend so much time being loving. My criticisms get worse. ‘I just wish I was with someone who did X.” You’re such a Y.


Give it a few more days of him hearing how much I don’t want to be with him in my not so veiled way and he’ll snap. When he snaps he gets all masculine and loud in his anger. He often shouts and screams and it’s a major turn off for me because he looks like a raging 14-year-old boy in that place. I love to point out to him how unattractive he is and how turned off I am by his behavior. I cry that I don’t feel safe around him.


He exits.


Next- I go play victim to my friends. I say I just can’t take him yelling at me… And my friends all give me sympathy. Many of them say you shouldn’t be with someone who’s yelling at you. You deserve better, Carrie. They can’t fathom that I can be such a critical B*&%H because to my friends I’m so generous and loving. I act like I’m a victim of his explosion…


A day or so goes by, Matt returns. Being the loving and forgiving person he is, he often returns with flowers in hand. Apologizing profusely for his explosive anger. Taking extreme accountability all while referencing the latest David Deida book he’s read on his journey with his forever optimism at becoming the man he hopes to be.


I talk a bit about my part leading up to the explosion- but for the most part, I cry and act like a victim of my abandonment wound…


My poisonous behavior is then met with a reward on all levels. I will spend the next 4 hours wrapped in his loving arms as he massages me and tells me how he will never ever leave me. He tells me he will never stop loving me. He made a commitment and he will always be there to love me.


And the cycle repeats.


Barf.


This cycle was my addiction for the last 2 years. The whole thing felt far more intoxicating to me than any other drug on this planet. I could not break free from this addiction- no matter how much I felt it slowly poisoning the relationship with the love of my life.


I share this all with you in service to love. It is my hope that through seeing the disfunction that comes from my abandonment wound- you can have compassion for the poison that stings from yours. It is my hope that you will receive this at a time when you are seeking to open your own heart. I hope you are asking yourself the necessary questions as you reflect on your own perceived block of worthiness.


From my own experiences, I believe we are unable to let love in while we stay in victim mode. When we are still in our victim story, we are a slave to our wounds and our trauma. I too have been sexually abused, abandoned, yelled at by my father, not wanted by my father or mother, not good enough. I get it. This world has served up some rancid poison to all of us. For as long as you cling to your poison and claim victim of whatever happened to you- is as long as you will love with daggers up- ready to pierce the flesh of your love whenever you don’t feel safe.


As they say, awareness is half the battle… so what the hell comes next? I can see these patterns in myself. I can take accountability for my shitty and dysfunctional behavior- but why am I still a slave to it?


This is why people don’t want to do the work. This part of it sucks. It is agony to cognitively understand something, only to behave in the exact way you said you’d never do again. I felt so helpless to my abandonment wound here. I was seeking all sorts of healers, retreats, therapy… my progress felt so slow. I’d do better for a time- only to slip back into my poisonous patterns a month or two later. I couldn’t believe my poisonous tongue couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop the flood of thoughts that screamed my partner was unworthy. Why couldn’t I just allow myself to feel his love?! Why was I still a slave to pushing it away?


We broke up. It was the day after Christmas. I swore up and down it was for good this time. He actually broke up with me. He said he no longer wanted to be in a relationship where his partner spoke so negatively to him. I agreed with him. I felt relieved. I was trying to break the pattern, but I just couldn’t. I loved him. I didn’t want him to be in that sort of relationship either. I wanted him to be loved the way he deserved. I was so sick of bashing my head against a brick wall trying to correct my cycle of disfunction. I was so relieved to be liberated from my work.


Stay tuned for Part 2- Unconditional What?!



photo credit- my beyond patient and loving partner who's also my greatest teacher.

123 views

Site, words, and imagery created by the soul of yours truly.