Matt and I were not friends for the first 2 years of our relationship. We deeply loved each other… well, he deeply loved me… I loved him deeply, but from outer space- where my heart was wrapped in black wax.
We did not trust each other. The masculine sides of us were in continual competition- my dude was convinced his dude was an idiot.
We only clicked when Matt was in his feminine and loving expression. I demanded to be loved in my full human expression, yet I refused to love and accept him in all of his. I held him to past iterations of himself that I harshly judged. I could not accept the full spectrum expression of this man who stood before me.
Little 6-year old Carrie is a raging know-it-all. Unworthiness dysfunction, masquerading as veiled function, it’s the theme of my life. I would often gloat over Matt or mock him for not knowing the things I know. I would scoff at him for not being well-read, or up to date with current events. He often failed to understand why I hold all of that with such high regard. He would regularly say when we die we can’t take that with us. What does that matter to our souls? I can’t count how many times he has told me I am worthy of his ever-lasting love just for being alive.
To someone who grew up in a household built with bricks of conditional love, his words of unconditional love fell on deaf ears. To someone who was fed shame-based religious rhetoric of unworthiness- I could not pretend to understand what he was embodying. To be loved I had to be amazing and constantly live up to the pressure I put on myself. I could not accept that I was lovable without achieving or earning it.
There’s that worthiness judge, again….
This awareness of my worthiness judge came almost immediately after that night of discovering how heaven sent the love in my own heart is.
As I was journaling through a meditation on receiving, I started noticing thoughts popping into my head. I no longer had a judgment with them, so I was just free to notice. It was all around Matt or other friends who receive support, either financially or in other ways from their families. I admit- I have always been jealous of this. I walk among many friends who have come from very loving and financially supportive families. Many of my friends truly know their families have their backs and will love and support them in any way they need.
I do not perceive to live in the same reality as them. Again, orphan mentality, I would just never ever ask my family for financial support or help with anything. I just don’t perceive that I’m worthy of receiving support in that way.
So I noticed these thoughts coming through. Jealousy and resentment of others that receive. Then I noticed the thoughts, who are they to think they deserve to be taken care of by their families… and then I just laughed... that’s all there is to do, really. It’s like I was operating with new software, but there was this obvious buggy glitch in the system. It was just absurd and silly to see that voice still inside of me.
It was as simple as that, at that moment I became aware of my worthiness judge. The compassion for it easily flooded in. I recognized and appreciated its veiled attempt at keeping me safe while acknowledging I could no longer take counsel from it. If I did, I would continue to live a life as a victim of my wounds. I would continue to push love away out of the judgment of others being unworthy. I would continue to push away everything I believed I hadn’t earned.
I could not stand accountable for my part of the energetic imbalance of giving and receiving.
How will you ever live an abundant life if you can’t receive it? How will you ever expect your gifts to be received by others if you can’t receive?
It’s all so silly to me now that I can finally see it.
Well, it’s been a month since my love and I intentionally created the relationship we always knew was possible between us. 90% of the time, we effortlessly create heaven on earth when we’re together.
On occasion, I still hear the voice of my worthiness judge trying to creep in. I still find myself wanting to clean my house when I’m anxious, or wanting to immerse myself in my work when I don’t feel good enough to be deserving of love. I hear thoughts occasionally in my head of Matt not being good enough… but the difference is, I'm not acting out of this any longer. I can locate where these thoughts are coming from and find compassion.
I can move on past my jealousy that he was raised feeling unconditional love and just be so grateful that he is here now to teach me it- instead of living in anger that I wasn’t so fortunate in my childhood in that regard.
I am able to celebrate when others receive beautiful gifts that the never had to earn. I can see how innately worthy they are by walking this earth as a beautiful vessel of love.
I am able to give without keeping tabs. I recognize the way flow works. It is one of just giving love and gifts for the joy of giving. I now give freely because I’ve opened my heart- I feel how much I have received in my life that I feel like a fountain with an unlimited supply of gifts to give the world.
I feel like a delicious and loving human everywhere I go. I easily share my love with my friends and partner. Now that I can feel the love in my heart- life looks so different. I am not alone anymore. I am so connected and so loved. I am so deliciously worthy- without having to earn it. I am worthy through all expressions of my self.
I feel so divine. I feel so loved. I feel it all the time now.
My relationship has experienced a complete 180. We act like friends. We trust each other. We are silly, playful, loving, kind, and compassionate toward each other. For every 100 kisses he gives me, I give him… 99.
I no longer mock him when his scared 14-year-old boy expresses himself. I can hold compassion for him. This next one sounds so simple, but for a long time, it felt like my Everest. I can stay safe within myself. I’m ok being in the same room as him when he’s pissed off and venting. I don’t feel the need to hold his emotions or change them either. It is my own responsibility to create safety within myself. I can choose to feel the love in my heart when someone else is not ok around me, I don’t have to go straight to the anxiety in my belly.
I no longer make his feelings about me. He gets to live in his full expression as a human being. He gets to have the stage when he’s upset. I no longer take a dash of his frustration and an ounce of my victim poison to create a cocktail of sludge for us both to drink.
As I said at the beginning- I am the last person who would have ever pictured herself writing a love letter- to love.
I have said hundreds and hundreds of times that love just gets in my way. I have pushed it away when it has shown up in countless forms in my life because I did not deem myself worthy of it.
I was once told that while I do have a wonderfully gifted fire within myself, I’m stunting it if I don’t let love in. That same fire will grow to levels I never could have imagined when combined with the fire of my love. Operating from a place of truly giving and receiving love will be the wings to spread my life’s work to levels I could have never known if I had refused to let love in.
I believe this message to be intended for every single person on this planet. I believe I am, and we all are, in service to love, once we can receive it.
I have been celebrating the divine feminine for some time now. I am so passionate about that work. I want to continue to share that empowering message, but I’m adding another layer to it this year. The message is of learning to truly love ourselves. It is of moving out of our veiled victim stories that push love away. I am a vessel of love who celebrates you in your worth and holds compassion for you as you move beyond your stories of shame. It’s true, I help you clear out the leaves in your river of divine truth, but I do all of this so that you will be able to receive love.
It is time to remember. You are deliciously worthy. Your stories keep you stuck in your disfunction. Your victim stories will continue to push love away as they are wounds looking to be felt and expressed.
It is our responsibility to embody the essence of our true divinity.
In our souls, we are all healers and creators.
I am the same as you. I just recently crossed the bridge to the land of living in heaven on earth. I have sobbed an ocean of tears of unworthiness to get here. I thought I would never make it across. And then in one moment, I crossed the bridge. I get to be here dancing on the shore on the other side. I am here to help you across this bridge. I am here to tell you it is so easy to cross this bridge when you decide you are ready.
I am in service to love.
Stay tuned for act four- How We Will Heal Our Earth With Love.